Husband? We no have husband here

My husband may not make it through the backdoor before I murder him when he comes home from work tonight. It's almost 8 and I'm still awake. I would've been asleep. I would've been relaxed and comfy. Unfortunately for me, my husband walks through the house at 4am like a drunken elephant. A drunken elephant that slams every door it goes through. Alas, the drunken elephant woke up Jasmine and it took me almost four effin' hours to put her back to bed. Four hours of laying there while she did everything in her power to keep from going back to sleep. I don't understand why they do this. She's been through it before. Mommy starts off nice and understanding. Then an hour goes by and mommy starts to turn into a bitch. Two hours and mommy is a raging alcoholic bitch. Four hours and mommy is reduced to sobbing and begging. I've tried being nice and the 'honey you have to go to sleep now so we don't sleep all day. If you sleep all day, you won't have as much time to play and watch your shitty cartoons that you do so love.' It DOESN'T work, EVER. The only thing that works or at least pretends to work (hey if she's pretending to sleep, then she's at least not moving around so much) is acting like I'm going to throw her through a wall at any minute. Although I did feel bad about an hour before she FINALLY fell asleep. She had said earlier that she had to pee but she says this a lot as a way to get out of bed. It's either I have to pee or I need something to drink. I told her to go to sleep. When she asked again I was at the raging alcoholic bitch mommy so I just grabbed her off the bed and hauled her into the bathroom... where she proceeded to pee for longer than what most adults have ever done in their entire lives. She now believes me to be bi-polar as by the time we got back to the bedroom I was feeling guilty that I had been purposely trying to render her kidneys null and void so I was ever-so-nice mommy. (also known as mommy with her tail tucked) It still took another half hour for her to fall asleep. I think I will absolutely, positively lose my effin' mind if I go back in there and she's awake. Husband will come home, Jasmine will have her cartoons on and be oblivious to mommy, mommy will be repeatedly banging her head into a wall in a crazy person rocking motion. I thought before I had her that I had reached my limits on frustration. You know those days where you think there's no way that I could ever be more frustrated than at this very moment. I was full of shit. Kids will frustrate you to the point that you want to get in your car, drive at a very high rate of speed and crash into something sturdier than the car. And then, if your limbs are all still working well enough, go steal a car and do it again. Only then, will you feel like your frustration has eased. That's my version of count to ten and take a deep breath. F--k the breathing and the counting, just drive into a wall, much more satisfying and maybe you'll get a new car. ;)