Blech, blah

Husband still isn't living here. We're still going to marriage counseling. It's been a stressful month to say the least. In next month or so, I'll be moving to my mom's so that we can turn down the electric and gas and turn off the internet. It's going to be an adjustment not living in my own place again. *sigh*

Today was... interesting. Shawn came by to visit the kids and help me out a little as I have had a nasty cold. He pulled in and noticed the garage lights weren't working so he went in the basement to flip the breaker. As soon as he flipped it, it turned off again. The only thing that he thought it could be was the extension cord going out to the cat house for the heat lamp. When he got outside, he saw smoke pouring from the shed and called 911 as he was grabbing one of the cats. The other cat is terrified of men and fled into the fire. Once I was aware of the fire, I ran outside to try and coax Jake out of the burning building. He would only meow. I grabbed the flashlight from Shawn before he had time to protest too much and ran inside to get my cat. I found him just as I ran out of air. (couldn't hold my breath any longer!) It seemed to take forever but in fact it was probably less than 30 seconds from the time I entered to the time I exited. I got up to the garage and Shawn went to reach for the cat to take him inside, forgetting his fear of men. Jake flipped out. I tried to hold onto the scruff of his neck but he used his back legs to spring from my hands, his nails gauging my right hand. I followed him into a large patch of bushes but couldn't see him, only hear his meowing. I knew he had at least been singed some as his fur was melted and black. (he's an orange tabby) By then the fire department had arrived so I was pretty sure he wouldn't be coming out. We continued to look till they were leaving. The shed is a complete loss. They took the walls off of it to stop the fire. I finally went inside to wash my hand and get a better look at it. One gauge is all the way to the bone. They are both nasty looking, made even more so by the fact that there is soot in both wounds that will not be washed away. Eventually, I took another trip outside to look for the cat, who by then, I figured was probably dead. He had breathed in a great deal of acrid smoke and I was unsure as to how badly burned he was when he had gotten away. I found him almost as soon as I crawled into the bushes and carried him inside. The cat *shakes head* must have a thousand lives. Aside from the melted fur and missing a few whiskers, he is completely fine. This, if you remember, is the evil cat from hell. I have multiple scars from this cat and have had infections from him biting me. I may end up with an infection this time as well. My hand is swelling and doesn't feel too great at the moment. By the time it was all said and done, I had soot and ash from head to toe. Even Evan managed to get soot on his legs from the stuff we brought in on us. Both cats survived however and there wasn't anything in the shed except for straw and cat food. I think I'll be coughing up tar for a while but my lungs will heal. The firemen were here within three minutes of the call. I will miss that security when we move to my mom's who lives in the middle of nowhere. Right now I can walk to the fire station it's that close.

My birthday was quite awesome. I spent it with Beth. It doesn't sound glamorous as all we did was go to a bar and play pool for a few hours but when you're with a good friend, having fun, it makes all the difference.

Happy/Merry Whatever you celebrate

Merry Christmas to everyone. Santa still hasn't come yet and it's 3am. My kids are going to be exhausted tomorrow. I just finished making maple creams for my grandmother's Christmas present. She is the only one who isn't one of my kids that is getting something. We just don't have the money this year.

Cash started limping a few days ago on one of his back legs. Now he won't put any weight on it at all. I took a closer look at him tonight and almost got my face bit off. He seems to be in a good deal of pain. I don't think anything is broken, I'm more worried about something being dislocated at this point. We need to find a way to get him to the vet soon. He's a clumsy dog and always tripping or falling over his long legs. I gave him a good dose of anti-inflammatory's tonight and will do so again tomorrow. Between stress and the holidays, I am exhausted. This next coming week I still have people to bake for. Two batches of kiflis and one batch of chocolate crinkles. I have an angel food cake to make at some point but it might not happen for quite a while. My birthday is on Sunday and I'm hoping to go play some pool with Beth. We have to make sure her family doesn't have any other plans for her for the holiday. ;) It feels a little selfish that I just want to spend the evening with her but I know it's the only way I can truly relax for a few hours.

Oooooh 2 in 24 hours! :D

Holy smokes batman! I just realized how much food I have to bake in the next week. I have kifli's to make for my husband and a friend of ours, chocolate crinkles for another friend and an angel food cake for yet another friend. Plus, I want to bake something for work as they are taking lunch to one of the local shelters as a show of our appreciation for all they do. (kissing ass so it's easier for us to pull animals from area shelters) And then I'll need to make some of the yummy stuff that I'd like to eat around Christmas for myself and family members. Oh and we haven't even started our Christmas shopping, my birthday is in ten days, I have two marriage counseling sessions between now and then, plus the foster dog needs to go back to the vet, I need to see the doctor for pain I've been having... leave anything out? Trying not to lose my mind in the meantime. Holy hell it's going to be a long month.

Thought I should say something after so much time

It always shocks me how long I can go without posting anything on here and then at other times in my life, I will post several entries every day. My husband and I are in marriage counseling now. The first session wasn't too bad but she's warned us that it will be much harder at the next one. I am not a "feelings" person so sharing them takes a lot out of me. The last one was easy and I came out feeling like I needed air in a big way. I can only imagine how I will feel after some of the next ones. We have two before Christmas and then one after before we get a little over a week break. I think I will dread every single one of them. As I said, I'm not a feelings person. I don't like to talk about them and I don't want to know about them. Many say I sound like a guy but it's just how I am. I'm at a point in my life where I've come to realize that thus far, I've been living my life for other people. That would be ok for me to accept if it was for my children but it's for every single person in my life. I do what makes them happiest, say what makes them happiest and put my own needs aside. Unfortunately, now that I've started to do, say and act in a way that might make me happy, it's having a negative effect on all those relationships. To them, I'm a different person and changed overnight. In reality, this is who I've always been but I chose to keep it inside. That doesn't mean I don't still want to make those people in my life happy and for them to have happiness but I feel like I deserve some of that as well and I don't think anyone gains anything over time if one is constantly making sacrifices for someone else. Eventually, everyone pays for it.

On happier notes, Evan is very close to walking unassisted, can clap quite well and says Uh-Oh. We never say uh-oh in my house. It's just not something we say. I'd have been less surprised to hear oh shit, than uh-oh out of his mouth. Turns out, one of my daughter's toys says uh-oh when you press the wrong button. He loves this toy and plays with it often. At least now I know where he picked up uh-oh at. Jasmine flipped off one of my friends today when he pissed her off... twice. I'm not sure if she meant to use her index finger as a 'Hold on now mister' (she was using it and her thumb to hold a sucker) or if she had actually seen one of us use that form of sign language at some point. She was told not to use that finger anymore.... through gasps as we were laughing so hard. ;)

cousin

I'm so grateful my cousin was here this weekend. I don't know how I would've gotten through it without him. I love him dearly. He just seemed to know what I needed, whether it was to be distracted from things or to talk about them. Somehow, we managed to have a lot of fun over the weekend, playing cards and just talking.

I went and got my lip pierced today. It's called a monroe. It was actually fairly painless and only a little achy now. I have an excellent piercer, who also happens to be a friend. He truly cares about what he's doing, how it looks and how it's going to look later down the line. I'm not supposed to have alcohol for two weeks and try to avoid spicy foods for four. I'm making lasagna for the boys Wednesday. I just have to be really careful when eating and then rinse my mouth afterwards. There's not too much more I want to get pierced right now but that could change. I just seem to get bored. I said after the last facial piercing, I wouldn't get anymore on my face. A few years later and I've got this one. ;)

Slightly unexpected house guests

My cousin and his friend, Brittany have come for a visit. There's no word on how long they'll be here but I enjoy my cousin a great deal and I'm always happy to have him. They weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.



Me (driving home from the mall): Hello?

Chad: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: uhm, driving. where are you?

Chad: Oh, I'm here.

Me: You know it's Wednesday, not Thursday?

Chad: I know. Sooo, you're not here?

Me: No, meet me at my mom's. I have to pick up the kids.



And that's how I discovered they were here. :) Good thing I had done a little bit of cleaning before I left earlier in the day.

I'm fairly fairly numb off vicodin and alcohol at the moment. The reason I haven't posted regularly? Well, tonight I am living with just myself and my kids. I don't know for how long. I don't know where my marriage is. Counseling will be had at some point but right now, I think my husband needed some air. And I think I've broken the heart of the only man to ever truly love me for the second time in our relationship. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want and I don't know how to figure those things out or find them again. I know, it's not at the bottom of a bottle but cut me some slack. I know that I have definitely found the truest friend I have ever had now that I have went through some of the worst times of my life and she has been there through it all. And never judged me for one single awful thing I have said. I can't say it enough right now Beth. I absolutely love you. I'm so glad that fate (or Dan, whichever... don't tell him I called him fate... shit his ego would kill us all) brought us together. And now I'm going to eat an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies.