Tuesday, October 19, 2010

If you're reading this, don't ever contact me again. What you have done to her is unforgiveable in my opinion. She's your mother for christ's sake.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Been a while. A long while. First off, my little conundrum. I've been looking for a new home for my doberman, Cash and my pit bull, Rocky for several months. I finally get a guy interested in Cash and after a month of deciding, he comes to get him with his wife. I get a call a day and a half after they take him saying that it's not going to work out, could I call them back. (I was at work) I called back and left a message and have yet to hear from them. My mom says I shouldn't call again, that they probably changed their minds, however I don't want them to take a dog that I love and drop him off in the middle of no where. If I haven't heard anything by Saturday, I might call again just for peace of mind. Rocky went to a new home for about an hour before he was returned. Not because he did anything but because their little tiny dog attacked him and Rocky cried. They thought that eventually Rocky would get sick of the little dog and eat him.

Everything is the same with my place of employment. All good there. I've been with my boyfriend for about six months but it was icky for about six weeks. I was to the point that I was done. I didn't even hear from him for a full week at one point. Something must have bit him in the ass however as he's done a total turnaround. However, while we were on the outs, I made some awesome new friends and had a lot of fun. I'm learning about myself as I go on. It's just been slow going.

Kids are doing great. Jasmine has the attitude of a 15 year old girl. Evan has the attitude of a pissed off two year old. Someone is always throwing something or screaming. The quiet days are a blessing. I hate that I seem to have to work on the nicest days and the days I have off it's either raining or too hot to move. I want to take them to the zoo, the park and the woods. I just need a nice day to do one of them and a day off to do it. I'm thinking of just getting up early one day and driving them to Fort Wayne and going through that zoo. Oh and I want to take Jasmine to Deer Forest due to the fact that one of her little friends told her that all deer's are mean. I'd like to show her that they are not. For now we've been looking at bugs outside. haha

Friday, March 19, 2010

When I was about 12 or 13, my family used to volunteer for a place called Reins of Life. It's a place for therapeutic horseback riding for disabled people. We would feed the horses every Friday morning. My brother and I only did this in the summer, when we were out of school or if we had a Friday off for some reason. I think it's the only thing we ever did as a family. We had been doing it for quite some time and were in a routine. It wasn't unusual to spend a couple of hours feeding 20-30 horses and we had gotten used to being around them and knew their personalities. One horse was not used for therapy. He was the directors horse. I'm still not exactly clear on the details as to why the horse was there but I believe it had to do with the fact that they couldn't afford to pay her the salary she was asking and they compromised by letting her board the horse there. I remember it was warmer than usual, even for an August morning. It had also rained over the days prior, leaving the normally hard and dusty paddocks to be slightly squishy but not exactly muddy. We were on the final paddock of, I believe, four with an average of five horses per paddock. We were hot, tired and getting cranky. The directors horse, Sully was a stallion and impossible. I usually tied him down as I seemed to have a bond with him. One of the most awesome and dreamlike moments of my life was with Sully. It was just him and myself in the field. I was running and suddenly, he was next to me, galloping beside me. I ran several times around the field, him next to me the entire time. It's strange but that is the most "free" I ever felt in my life. He must have been feeling just as cranky as we were because he just would not allow me to tie him to the lean-to. Each time I would almost get the knot and he would jerk his head as if to hit me in the face with his jaw. After about five minutes of this, I became frustrated and made a mistake. There was a tiny voice in the back of my head screaming as to why what I was about to do was idiotic. But as I said, tired, cranky, hot. So I bitchslapped the voice and continued on. First off, I put myself in between a horse and a solid object. Not the best place you want to be with a 1500lb animal. Second, I went behind him, knowing the state of agitation he was in. As soon as my left foot was behind his right hind hoof, He stepped back onto it. And then he shifted his weight onto the foot. It seemed very intentional and to this day, I believe it really was just that. I'm sure it was only maybe twenty seconds but it seemed like a lot longer that he was standing on me, my foot sinking further into the soggy ground. I was punching his hindquarters and telling him to move, but not quite as nicely as that sounds. On the third shove, he stepped off of my foot. It was at that moment that my dad came around the corner. He had no idea why I basically said to hell with this horse, YOU tie him down. I just walked out of the paddock as if nothing happened. I felt not pain. The tears that stung the back of my eyes were not from pain but frustration and anger at myself. I walked to another pasture with one of the other volunteers as she was there to give some medication. All the way there, I was pissed at myself but on the way back, I was beginning to wonder how I had escaped with not pain. When I got to the hay barn, I removed my shoes and socks to see if there was any damage, since I couldn't feel anything. My foot had a goose egg growing on it and was a nasty mix of purple and blue. I have never seen a bruise before or since. My mother wanted to take me to the ER, my dad said I was fine. Therefore, I decided I would BE fine. We gathered the rest of the buckets after everyone was done eating and headed home. Again, still not really feeling much but maybe a dull ache like a sore muscle. As I did every week, I immediately went to get into the shower to wash away the sweat and smell of horse manure. The exact second the first water droplet hit my foot, I felt extreme and unbelievable pain. I showered quickly and with my foot elevated so as not to get any large drops of water hurled at it as they felt like hot coals being hurled at light speed. By now, my foot was grotesquely swollen and even more bruised. I still refused to go to the hospital. It was so swollen that I couldn't even put a flip flop on to hobble to the neighbors house later in the day. I had to go barefoot and hop. Six months later, I was still bruised, visibly. I never received any treatment for my foot and have no idea to this day exactly how badly injured I was but I'm sure I should've been to an ER as I am still, approximately 13 years later, bruised. You can only see it if I've just taken a really hot shower or it's ridiculously hot out but the bruise is there. Major changes in temperature cause my foot to be very tender. I cannot have that foot massaged as it's painful to have any pressure applied to the webbing between the big toe and his skinnier neighbor toe. I don't even like to have that foot touched to be honest. One of the toes on that foot no longer bends. It should be no surprise that I am overly cautious around horses now. I never saw Sully again after that day. I know many other volunteers had gotten to the point that they refused to feed any horse in that paddock. Our family was one of the last to still be willing to feed him. And I only went back to volunteer a few more times that summer before I was back in school. I will never forget Sully. Not just for the very painful lesson I learned but also for the few fleeting moments of freedom he gave me in the pasture that day.

Spoons and Forks

I've been quite introspective lately. Doing a lot of thinking and not a lot of writing. Kind of at a fork in the road and not exactly sure which road to take kind of thing. Nothing I'm posting about on here, at least not till I figure it out. You have your gut saying one thing and then you have people you trust saying another and have to decide which one to go with. I'm not sure if either is right however. *sighs*

I don't speak to half of my family. The half I do speak to, I never see because I'm always at work. Which is going well actually. I think I could easily be a bartender with as quickly as I picked up on the whole coffee thing. (there's a lot more involved than it sounds, I swear!) Only reason I wouldn't go that route is the hours. The money would be better however, as would the tips. Most I've made in tips so far was four bucks last Saturday. Enough whining. I have another post to write.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

sleep, work, eat, repeat

I'm in a fairly good place right now overall. I started my job as a barista in a coffee place last Monday and have been thriving. I was worried the fast pace would be stressful but you just kind of zone out and make coffee. It's nice to have a few hours that are completely thought free unless it's dead at work. I like my co-workers but then I knew them before I started so I was pretty sure that wouldn't be an issue.

I've been dating a guy for a while now and that is going quite well, in a scary way considering that I'm in the middle of a divorce. But I like him, I adore his kids and we like each other's company so I'm trying not to think too much more into it than that at this point.

I'm still on very good terms with my eventually, ex-husband and I think I always will be. I love him but not in the way you're supposed to love someone you're married to. He will always be my family, and my friend. I'm sure we will have ups and downs along the way, hell we already have but we'll work through them. My brain can't function any longer tonight so it's off to sleepyville for me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Frustration, I haz it

It's been a while, I know. I'm getting divorced, living with my mom and have a job, which I haven't started yet. There, you're caught up. Kids have been sick with colds for over a month now. I'm tired of melodramatic men and their excess amounts of baggage. It seems that the only way to date someone who is halfway normal is if you only date in your early twenties because after that, your choices go downhill. Men nowadays act more like women than ever before. They're needy, emotional and moody. If I wanted to deal with that, I would've become a lesbian a long time ago. Some days I just want to turn off my phone, disconnect the internet and hide. I've been spending a ton of time with men who are ONLY my friend and who are always just going to be my friend because at least that way I can enjoy myself without all that extra pressure and emotion. And of course with my female friends as well but having some kind of male company is nice. I think I just need a break in a major way and I have no idea how to get it.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Blech, blah

Husband still isn't living here. We're still going to marriage counseling. It's been a stressful month to say the least. In next month or so, I'll be moving to my mom's so that we can turn down the electric and gas and turn off the internet. It's going to be an adjustment not living in my own place again. *sigh*

Today was... interesting. Shawn came by to visit the kids and help me out a little as I have had a nasty cold. He pulled in and noticed the garage lights weren't working so he went in the basement to flip the breaker. As soon as he flipped it, it turned off again. The only thing that he thought it could be was the extension cord going out to the cat house for the heat lamp. When he got outside, he saw smoke pouring from the shed and called 911 as he was grabbing one of the cats. The other cat is terrified of men and fled into the fire. Once I was aware of the fire, I ran outside to try and coax Jake out of the burning building. He would only meow. I grabbed the flashlight from Shawn before he had time to protest too much and ran inside to get my cat. I found him just as I ran out of air. (couldn't hold my breath any longer!) It seemed to take forever but in fact it was probably less than 30 seconds from the time I entered to the time I exited. I got up to the garage and Shawn went to reach for the cat to take him inside, forgetting his fear of men. Jake flipped out. I tried to hold onto the scruff of his neck but he used his back legs to spring from my hands, his nails gauging my right hand. I followed him into a large patch of bushes but couldn't see him, only hear his meowing. I knew he had at least been singed some as his fur was melted and black. (he's an orange tabby) By then the fire department had arrived so I was pretty sure he wouldn't be coming out. We continued to look till they were leaving. The shed is a complete loss. They took the walls off of it to stop the fire. I finally went inside to wash my hand and get a better look at it. One gauge is all the way to the bone. They are both nasty looking, made even more so by the fact that there is soot in both wounds that will not be washed away. Eventually, I took another trip outside to look for the cat, who by then, I figured was probably dead. He had breathed in a great deal of acrid smoke and I was unsure as to how badly burned he was when he had gotten away. I found him almost as soon as I crawled into the bushes and carried him inside. The cat *shakes head* must have a thousand lives. Aside from the melted fur and missing a few whiskers, he is completely fine. This, if you remember, is the evil cat from hell. I have multiple scars from this cat and have had infections from him biting me. I may end up with an infection this time as well. My hand is swelling and doesn't feel too great at the moment. By the time it was all said and done, I had soot and ash from head to toe. Even Evan managed to get soot on his legs from the stuff we brought in on us. Both cats survived however and there wasn't anything in the shed except for straw and cat food. I think I'll be coughing up tar for a while but my lungs will heal. The firemen were here within three minutes of the call. I will miss that security when we move to my mom's who lives in the middle of nowhere. Right now I can walk to the fire station it's that close.

My birthday was quite awesome. I spent it with Beth. It doesn't sound glamorous as all we did was go to a bar and play pool for a few hours but when you're with a good friend, having fun, it makes all the difference.