Happy/Merry Whatever you celebrate

Merry Christmas to everyone. Santa still hasn't come yet and it's 3am. My kids are going to be exhausted tomorrow. I just finished making maple creams for my grandmother's Christmas present. She is the only one who isn't one of my kids that is getting something. We just don't have the money this year.

Cash started limping a few days ago on one of his back legs. Now he won't put any weight on it at all. I took a closer look at him tonight and almost got my face bit off. He seems to be in a good deal of pain. I don't think anything is broken, I'm more worried about something being dislocated at this point. We need to find a way to get him to the vet soon. He's a clumsy dog and always tripping or falling over his long legs. I gave him a good dose of anti-inflammatory's tonight and will do so again tomorrow. Between stress and the holidays, I am exhausted. This next coming week I still have people to bake for. Two batches of kiflis and one batch of chocolate crinkles. I have an angel food cake to make at some point but it might not happen for quite a while. My birthday is on Sunday and I'm hoping to go play some pool with Beth. We have to make sure her family doesn't have any other plans for her for the holiday. ;) It feels a little selfish that I just want to spend the evening with her but I know it's the only way I can truly relax for a few hours.

Oooooh 2 in 24 hours! :D

Holy smokes batman! I just realized how much food I have to bake in the next week. I have kifli's to make for my husband and a friend of ours, chocolate crinkles for another friend and an angel food cake for yet another friend. Plus, I want to bake something for work as they are taking lunch to one of the local shelters as a show of our appreciation for all they do. (kissing ass so it's easier for us to pull animals from area shelters) And then I'll need to make some of the yummy stuff that I'd like to eat around Christmas for myself and family members. Oh and we haven't even started our Christmas shopping, my birthday is in ten days, I have two marriage counseling sessions between now and then, plus the foster dog needs to go back to the vet, I need to see the doctor for pain I've been having... leave anything out? Trying not to lose my mind in the meantime. Holy hell it's going to be a long month.

Thought I should say something after so much time

It always shocks me how long I can go without posting anything on here and then at other times in my life, I will post several entries every day. My husband and I are in marriage counseling now. The first session wasn't too bad but she's warned us that it will be much harder at the next one. I am not a "feelings" person so sharing them takes a lot out of me. The last one was easy and I came out feeling like I needed air in a big way. I can only imagine how I will feel after some of the next ones. We have two before Christmas and then one after before we get a little over a week break. I think I will dread every single one of them. As I said, I'm not a feelings person. I don't like to talk about them and I don't want to know about them. Many say I sound like a guy but it's just how I am. I'm at a point in my life where I've come to realize that thus far, I've been living my life for other people. That would be ok for me to accept if it was for my children but it's for every single person in my life. I do what makes them happiest, say what makes them happiest and put my own needs aside. Unfortunately, now that I've started to do, say and act in a way that might make me happy, it's having a negative effect on all those relationships. To them, I'm a different person and changed overnight. In reality, this is who I've always been but I chose to keep it inside. That doesn't mean I don't still want to make those people in my life happy and for them to have happiness but I feel like I deserve some of that as well and I don't think anyone gains anything over time if one is constantly making sacrifices for someone else. Eventually, everyone pays for it.

On happier notes, Evan is very close to walking unassisted, can clap quite well and says Uh-Oh. We never say uh-oh in my house. It's just not something we say. I'd have been less surprised to hear oh shit, than uh-oh out of his mouth. Turns out, one of my daughter's toys says uh-oh when you press the wrong button. He loves this toy and plays with it often. At least now I know where he picked up uh-oh at. Jasmine flipped off one of my friends today when he pissed her off... twice. I'm not sure if she meant to use her index finger as a 'Hold on now mister' (she was using it and her thumb to hold a sucker) or if she had actually seen one of us use that form of sign language at some point. She was told not to use that finger anymore.... through gasps as we were laughing so hard. ;)

cousin

I'm so grateful my cousin was here this weekend. I don't know how I would've gotten through it without him. I love him dearly. He just seemed to know what I needed, whether it was to be distracted from things or to talk about them. Somehow, we managed to have a lot of fun over the weekend, playing cards and just talking.

I went and got my lip pierced today. It's called a monroe. It was actually fairly painless and only a little achy now. I have an excellent piercer, who also happens to be a friend. He truly cares about what he's doing, how it looks and how it's going to look later down the line. I'm not supposed to have alcohol for two weeks and try to avoid spicy foods for four. I'm making lasagna for the boys Wednesday. I just have to be really careful when eating and then rinse my mouth afterwards. There's not too much more I want to get pierced right now but that could change. I just seem to get bored. I said after the last facial piercing, I wouldn't get anymore on my face. A few years later and I've got this one. ;)

Slightly unexpected house guests

My cousin and his friend, Brittany have come for a visit. There's no word on how long they'll be here but I enjoy my cousin a great deal and I'm always happy to have him. They weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.



Me (driving home from the mall): Hello?

Chad: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: uhm, driving. where are you?

Chad: Oh, I'm here.

Me: You know it's Wednesday, not Thursday?

Chad: I know. Sooo, you're not here?

Me: No, meet me at my mom's. I have to pick up the kids.



And that's how I discovered they were here. :) Good thing I had done a little bit of cleaning before I left earlier in the day.

I'm fairly fairly numb off vicodin and alcohol at the moment. The reason I haven't posted regularly? Well, tonight I am living with just myself and my kids. I don't know for how long. I don't know where my marriage is. Counseling will be had at some point but right now, I think my husband needed some air. And I think I've broken the heart of the only man to ever truly love me for the second time in our relationship. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want and I don't know how to figure those things out or find them again. I know, it's not at the bottom of a bottle but cut me some slack. I know that I have definitely found the truest friend I have ever had now that I have went through some of the worst times of my life and she has been there through it all. And never judged me for one single awful thing I have said. I can't say it enough right now Beth. I absolutely love you. I'm so glad that fate (or Dan, whichever... don't tell him I called him fate... shit his ego would kill us all) brought us together. And now I'm going to eat an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies.

See, I really can cook

I made lasagna and garlic bread from scratch tonight. Normally I buy two jars of sauce (prego) and make it that way. Tonight I actually mixed it all myself. Took three hours, whereas it normally takes half that with the jars but it was very good. The fresh loaf of french bread with garlic, rosemary and basil was excellent as well. It really wouldn't have been the same without that pinch of rosemary. I thought the whole meal was excellent, as did the boys. It's a lot of work but well worth it. Although next time I want a higher quality of ricotta cheese. :)

My throat issues are gone as quickly as they came. I had white patches covering my tonsils, they were swollen to three times their normal size and then it was better. Like crazy voodoo. And it really didn't hurt much. I took a vicodin on Thanksgiving because I was certain my throat would be on fire and I wouldn't be able to eat but that never happened.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, ours was great. My cousin and uncle came up from Indy. And the usual relatives were there along with a few new girlfriends. I think my uncle's new woman is a keeper from what I've seen. She's very easy going and different enough from the rest of us to be interesting without being the odd one out.

Saturday we watched ND lose their asses for the last game of the season. I got very drunk in the first quarter and sat outside of half of the second. You know, I really don't know where I was for most of the second or third quarters. :D I was sitting outside for some of the time because they had a fire going and it irritated my asthma. Eventually I got used to it or was too drunk to notice anymore. Earlier in the day my mom took me out shopping without the kids. That was definitely much needed. I think I could've walked around the mall with her for the entire weekend and been happy as a clam.

Happy Thanksgiving. I feel like hell. I think my tonsils are trying to escape.

We be boring, yo

Yes, we're all still alive. ;) I've just been super lazy about blogging. This week, I've been watching the first and now, the second seasons of True Blood. OMG! Love this show! Makes me wish I had HBO so I could watch season 3 on demand. However, it would be the only reason I would have HBO and it's not worth it to me. I've been reading, listening to loads of music (obsessed with Regina Spektor at the moment) and listening to audio books before I go to sleep. My iPod has been getting a workout. The rest of the week will be busy. Wednesday, helping a friend move a new bedroom set into his apartment. Thursday, dinner at my mom's house for Thanksgiving. Friday, no plans yet but I won't be surprised if we end up with one or both of the boys. (I have NO plans of shopping and I don't feel like getting a tree yet) Saturday, ND football game with one of the boys. Sunday, having our own kind of Thanksgiving dinner with the boys. And I think my dad will be getting back into town this weekend as well so we may end up over there during the early part of next week. I'm not even sure where in the country he is right now but he was in Virgina and heading or Pennsylvania if I'm not mistaken.

Security is gone now. They were supposed to stay one more night but I asked Shawn to tell them not to come. I just want to be done with it. I want to be able to go get the mail in the middle of the day without having some guy watch me walk to and from the mailbox and then have to stop and make idle chit chat. Although, they were helpful today when the UPS guy came today and had a package that needed to be signed for. I don't open the door during the day for anyone so they could've knocked till their finger bled. Luckily, the security guy signed for it before they left. Back to my show....

The reason why we need security outside my house

So apparently, there have been threats made against Shawn's life. Basic rundown, on Friday a guy he works with said that he was going to come in on Monday and shoot people. He told two different people this. My husband is the union steward for that area and they came to him with their concerns. Shawn was on the phone, literally, till about 11pm Friday night, trying to get someone to take him seriously. Finally, it was decided that he would be fired and his badge would be de-activated, therefore making it impossible for him to get into the building. (at least that's the idea) There was still some concern the guy could be in the parking lot however so they are having the people who's life has been threatened, park in back and are being clocked in by management. Now we come to today. The guy heard that Shawn was the main person behind making sure no one died and made a comment about coming after him. (the guy is mentally unstable at best and they believe he's doing meth) The company my husband works for decided that it would be safer for us if we had a security team outside of our house during the hours that my husband is at work. Starting tonight, I will have a guy armed in my driveway. One of the boys is also going to be staying the night tonight. We have a gun now as of last week. It's not supposed to be here but due to circumstances, it is. I have never fired something with that much power so I'm a little nervous if something were to happen but at this point, I really don't think it will. I think the guy has far more important people he wants to kill over Shawn. Starting with his ex-wife. (who is aware of the situation) So there you have it. Tonight I'll be watching a large amount of xbox and acting like there's nothing going on. I should be more concerned, I'm sure but I just don't see anything happening. I woke up to my husband telling me I would be staying at my mom's. I don't like being told what I'm going to do or what I'm not going to do. I usually do the opposite. I am staying in my home.

meme

Since I don't have anything to be said on here, I'll do one of these.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Strawberry smirnoff

2. Where was your profile picture taken? my living room

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? yes and the more distractions I have, the better I am

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about? I know there was something but I can't really recall at the moment. I'm sure it was one of the boys and I know Beth got a few out of me tonight.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why? I don't know, maybe 5am. I drank a lot and wasn't feeling well. I fell asleep listening to Craig Ferguson's book.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why? Florida or Hawaii, because it's always warm and you can be in the ocean in a matter of hours no matter where you are

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? yes but it's a relationship better forgotten

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Beth

.9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits? They can be friends without it but I don't know about with. Too many feelings involved

10. Do you like Dr. Pepper? only if it's cherry

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? too recently

12. Who took your profile picture? I did

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? I think it was Evan

14. Was yesterday better than today? Why? They were about the same

15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes and I could again.

16. Are you upset about anything now? If I was, I'm not putting it on a meme

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? depends on the relationship

18. Are you a bad influence? some would see me that way but most of the time, I'm the good influence of the group

19. Night out or night in? Always out.

20. What items could you not go without during the day? there's really not much I couldn't live without at all for a day. I like to have my computer complete with internet access though and I've become pretty attached to my phone

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? my uncle Jeff years ago when he had back surgery

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? Is. (no really that was the last message)

23. How do you feel about your life right now? meh

24. Do you hate anyone? I don't typically use that word to describe people.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? a few political/religion based emails and some about family

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? haha Yes

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? No. If they did, I'd tell them they need to seek help.

28. What song is stuck in your head? Nothing and I'd like to keep it that way, which is why I won't be sleeping with my iPod on

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2 a.m., whom do you want it to be? Probably someone I haven't seen for a while. Jimmie

30. Do you (or did you) want to have grand kids before you’re 50? Yes I would but not until my kids are in their twenties at least

31. Tell us your Saturday night. Typically, with the boys watching football or drinking

32. Do you think too much or too little? way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? Depends on the day and who is around

I just don't have words in me these days. I'm trying but they're not there. And the ones that are, aren't appropriate for the world to hear. Particularly today.

Gearing up for weekendness

So very glad the weekend is about to begin. Friday night is dinner with the boys and maybe some cards. Saturday, back with the boys again early in the day for ND football. I have a feeling Sunday is going to be a do nothing and feel like death day since the game is at 2:30 on Saturday and we start drinking at kickoff. Maybe afterwards we'll watch a movie, get dinner and another round of cards. My euchre partner probably would like to switch but I think he's stuck with me. It's only fair to have a shitty player on each team and well, he's stuck with this one. :) Random fact, euchre was actually a card game seems to be believed by some to have been originated by the amish. It has also been declining in popularity over the years except in Michigan, Indiana and New York. Why? Because we rock. I had no idea it was so unpopular in other areas of the US until our friend from Chicago said he hadn't a clue how to play it and begged to play poker or spades. He lost and is now forced to play euchre with us. He was up against three Hoosiers, did he really think he stood a chance in hell? I've been playing the game since I was a kid and learned watching the adults play during the holidays. And yet, I still suck majorly and lose massive amounts of points for my team. *shrugs*

This past week has been fairly nothing filled. Shawn has had a lot of stuff to do after work so it's been me and the kids hanging out night after night. It's went smoother than I figured it would. Especially since Evan has been getting me up earlier and earlier every day. Typically, after a few hours, I am in serious need of a break from baby duty. This last week I've been fairly patient. And no, there hasn't been any booze involved to keep me that way. :) Next week, hubby has another Bull's game to go to in Chicago so that's a full day trying to find something to do. I anticipate much duct tape and darts. *shrugs* Sounds like a good idea.

Weekend

ND won, Green Bay lost. Sunday was a day full of cursing at my house. My hubby wisely chose to be somewhere other than home during my game. The kids huddled in the corner, sucking their thumbs and rocking in place. The more smug Favre looked, the more pissed I got. Of course, I was also nursing a slight hangover and it didn't help my mood. Went out for pizza during the third quarter and my mood still didn't improve much. Sat, watched GB lose and got made fun of about it in the process. That's what I get for going out to dinner with three Bears fans.

Trick or treating was very chilly. We went to a random neighborhood, parked on the side of the road and started walking. Jazz didn't hold out as long as I thought she would. Eventually, Shawn took Evan back to the car because he was chilly and cranky. He fell asleep before they got there, the baby, not Shawn. Afterwards, we did dinner and went to a friend's to watch the ND game. And then after the game, Shawn fell asleep. Me and the boys watched a movie, eventually one left and the other fell asleep. If I didn't have kids, I would've just said screw it and slept on the floor, however my kids were having none of that. Picky. I had to wake Shawn up to drive us home, where I promptly passed out.

Friday we went and got my netbook. My laptop died months and months ago. All this time I've been using Shawn's to get all my stuff done. The netbook works better for me. I like the compact size and it has enough memory and speed for me to be happy. Although it doesn't seem to be too in love with my iPhone. They're working out their differences and hopefully all will be well at the end of the week. I need to get my ipod full so I can start running. I went jogging last week and realized how much I missed it. It's the easiest way to get out of my own head is to run.

Playing catch up here

Wow, I just realized how little I've been posting. I need to play catch up here. Lemme see... during the week nothing fantastic ever really happens. Boys were over on Thursday for dinner. Friday went out to dinner with Beth and Ken at Gino's East. We had a great time. They really are a blast to hang out with. We even went out without the kiddies! Saturday we watched the ND game at home with the boys. ND won but I was in quite a bit of pain most of the day so I couldn't have given a shit less what they did. I don't know what I did but I had pissed my shoulder off in my sleep and woke up in pain. The pain got worse throughout the day. I wanted to take something but I knew I'd be drinking later and had always been told not to mix the two. I was quite drunk after the game but still in enough pain to bring tears to my eyes so I decided to take a walk on the wild side (that or go to the ER completed blitzed) and took a tramadol. Two hours later, no pain relief so I took another one. That finally did the trick and I was in my happy place. The pain never returned after that point. After everyone left and went to bed, my tummy decided that it was not a fan of the mix of alcohol and drugs. I didn't puke but it was a tough battle. And now we come to my favorite part. Monday morning. I had been feeling like there was a cold coming on but nothing really happening for days. And then I was getting ready for bed. I kept feeling pressure building in my ear but hoped it would drain. No such luck. By 4am Monday, I was ready to pop the damn eardrum. I just wanted relief from the pain. Took a vicodin, nothing. Tried a hot pack as hot as I could possibly stand it on my ear, nothing. I looked up remedies online. None of which I had the ingredients to make. I gave in and took another vicodin. I don't know if that finally killed the pain or if I was so exhausted by then that I just passed out. I woke up still feeling iffy but only needed one vicodin through the day. Today I see the doctor for my psoriasis and I'll definitely be bringing up my ear. Now if the ringing would go away, I could sleep.

Random Shit Monday (small and late)

I don't wear perfume. It irritates my asthma.



My husband still does. Therefore, he irritates me.



I would walk barefoot all year round if my feet didn't get all cold and shit on snow.



I really do love fostering dogs and cats, even though I bitch about it constantly.



I can open doors with only my toes. I can also pick up just about any object that my feet are strong enough to hold, with my toes.



I don't snore often but when I do, I guess I can wake the dead.



My boobs are the same size as Scarlett Johansson. The difference? I wear a bra that fits, not one that shoves them up to my throat for all the world to see. Although I wish I knew where she brought her regular bras. It's a bitch to find a 32F. Apparently, the size I've been wearing for quite some time (34DD) wasn't right.


The filter between my brain and mouth is occasionally broken. I say things or ask questions that to most people are inappropriate. I forget that not everyone is as open about their life as I am.

Food is good. Sex is good. Mix the two and it totally freaks me out.

I have no title for today - I'm lazy

I'm not really sure what the eff is up with my back. It's been bothering me since I was pregnant with Evan. (who, btw is nine months old today) Before it seemed to be a vertebrae in my back. My doctor gave me stretching exercises to do and it has helped. There are no more stabbing pains going through that area when I lay down or sit up from laying down. Now I have a constant dull ache on the lower left hand side of my back. This is to the point where calling it an ache probably isn't accurate but as I've said before, I don't view pain the same way as some others might. I took a vicodin last night and today with it only taking off the worst of it. There's still pain and I'm still thinking every time I move that I should "probably" go to the doctor. But then I think, I'll just take care of it whenever I make an appointment for my flu shot and psoriasis. (which I've been saying I'll do for weeks) I wonder if it's not related to my IUD. And then if it is, do I continue to deal with it or have it removed?

We bought Jasmine and Evan's Halloween costume's. Omigod is that ridiculously expensive for something that is intended for ONE day. She is going as supergirl. She tried on the little mermaid, an angel and a fairy as well but the cape on the supergirl costume sold her. She stood in the tiny dressing room jumping and watching it float down behind her in the mirror. Shawn picked out Evan's costume and he is going as my least favorite character ever, Yoda. However, the costume is adorable, even has the little ears. Why don't I like Yoda? Have you heard him speak? It's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Random Shit Monday will return. I was just too wore out this week after all the alcohol-ness I put my body through. And it may make a return this weekend. Depends if we all decide to watch the game together.

Weekend hoopla

I think I'm a little dehydrated. I haven't drank much in the last, let's see, three days except alcohol and my fingers are all tingly. That whole drink gatorade thing went out the window with the first Jello shot. I didn't get as many from each box of Jello as I expected. Next time I'm going to get twice as much and per the boys request just fill the damn cups to the top rather than halving them. We had an absolute blast today even though Notre Dame lost. Jasmine had a lot of fun too even though there were no little kids around or kid toys. However, there was a cat and a medium sized snake. They kept her busy for about two full hours. I only convinced her to hold the snake once... then it licked her face and she freaked. He's probably one of the tamest snakes I have ever handled. I was quite impressed considering he was found outside someones house. (and no he isn't native to this area... he would've died this winter if someone hadn't found him)

Tomorrow I can safely say will be alcohol free as will the next, probably, week. We're going to my mom's for dinner tomorrow and then for the rest of the week, we don't have plans. We don't drink unless someone is over or we go somewhere. Ok, that's a small lie. Once in a great while I will have Bailey's mixed with milk after a more than stressful day. For now, I'm just going to drink anything that will hydrate me that isn't H2O. (it's not sitting well with my tummy after all that drinking)

Did you say relax? Why thank you, I think I'll do that.

Had a fantastically awesome day. :) Went out to dinner with my friend Abby. We've been best friends since we were kids and nothing seems able to break our friendship yet. Neither one of us gets out much without the kids or husband so this was quite the treat. We ate and talked for three hours before she had to get back home as her husband had to leave for work. I hope we get to do it more often. Although some of our talk may not be... restaurant appropriate at times. Or so I gathered by some of the glances from maternally types. *shrugs* Birth control happens people, deal. :)



Afterwards, we came home to find the boys at my house. They hadn't eaten yet so we went out and got some Mexican food. Ok, so they ate, I drank some more. It was a lot of fun even if I did get intoxicated enough to get scolded by my husband. *double shrug* Come to find out, I had not offended anyone with my comments and the person they were aimed at thought they were funny. So phhhhhhbt. :) Tomorrow is more of the same. We're getting up early and getting the kids' their Halloween costumes. I'm going to grab something bread-ie to eat. Then it's off to one of the boys apartments for the ND vs USC game, Jello shots (I even made some virgin ones for Jasmine, although they're more Jello cups), drinking and then pizza. Who says life ends after kids??

Go to the Lair

For Frank... and a little for Beth. :) Need a calendar? You can get an awesome one at Wild Cats Lair. (click photo above) He's also having a contest to win a free one. We actually went the entire 2009 without a calendar. Let me tell you folks, it's brutal. What day is it? Well I think it's one of those fall months since it's getting colder and my burning bush is well, burning. And it must be the end of the week because there's talk of this weekend thing. *shrugs* I'm sure the doctor's office will call after I miss that appointment and I'll know.

Weekend O' fun or not

I have a feeling at some point, I may end up puking this weekend. Friday night, I'm going out with my best friend from high school. Her main objective in all of this is to get drunk. (she has four kids and a worthless husband, cut the girl some slack) I, however, will be driving and don't handle my alcohol well. I will have a drink or two when we first get there but nothing afterwards. Right now on Saturday the plan is to go to man-whore's apartment and watch the ND vs USC game. I was thinking of making Jello shots to take with us. (I have all the stuff here already so why not?) I'm still not positive we'll be going over there as I need to get Jasmine's Halloween costume and Evan's too for that matter. However, I'll feel like a real bitch if I make my husband miss this game or watch the kids so we can get costumes. We can always go Sunday but Sunday is MY football day. I suppose we could get an early start on Saturday, get the costumes, rush back home and pick up the shots. Or I could drop off the shots on the way there and then we wouldn't have to go back and forth. (castle point Beth/Ken) I'm fairly bad with Jello shots. They taste good so they can't possibly be liquid poison, right? After a couple, I forget how many I've had and have a few more. I've consumed large amounts of alcohol this way without realizing it. The drunkest I've EVER been was from Jello shots. It's the only time I actually felt like I was in a fun house and the walls were all tilty. I'd better take some Gatorade with me to drink while I'm drinking or it's not going to end well at Gino's later that night.

Pizza is oh so goooood

Saturday we tried the new pizza place here in town. We only live a few hours from Chicago, so naturally, we have a new Chicago pizzeria. And omigod is it good. I have become absolutely obsessed with Gino's East pizza. We plan on going again this weekend at least once. Man-whore friend invited us out there for dinner, even canceling man-whoring to go. And I'd like to get my mom up there one night to try it. I haven't done the deep dish yet. I honestly don't know how much I would like it for the simple fact that for me, it's all about the cheese and the sauce comes second. We actually plan on several Chicago trips in the next few months now. It was just going to be for the Cirque show, but now we also want Chicago pizza and to roam the city.

The day after my post about Cricket and my concern for her, she p.l.a.y.e.d. This was a major turning point for her. She doesn't understand play. How to play with people or other animals. She had been outside for an hour or two so when she came in, she was fired up and happy to see us. She would run up to me and slam on the doggy brakes, I would stomp my foot and she'd run around the living room and slam on the doggy brakes again, waiting for me to stomp. It was great and she got lots of loving after she calmed down. I can't even put into words how huge of a leap that was from the day I got her. She still hates cats but she's able to be in the same room with them without doing the Elvis. Unless she's in a crate and they're out and about, then she just goes batshit crazy. (no, really)

Dinner went very well tonight. As I've said before, man-whore makes quite the nice buffer between me and the antagonizor. It helped that I had a Bailey's and milk (or two) before and with dinner. The boys both left full with what was probably man-whore's first homemade meal in who knows how long. Now I have a killer headache from the Bailey's. This never happened when I was younger. Damn you aging process! Damn you!

The Mare's Tales Giveaway

Jennifer is doing a Halloween giveaway on her blog. She'll will be giving away one of her gorgeous hand painted pendants. If you win, it's going to be super difficult to choose one!

http://gypsymare.blogspot.com/

Crazy, weird and grumpy

I'm really not sure what to do with Cricket. I need to do some research and ask around to see where to go from here. I have her crate in the kitchen. We weren't crating her at all but she has a mild case of kennel cough therefore, she can't sleep in the bedroom with us. (too close with on of our other dogs and wakes up me and the kids with her hacking) Now that she's crated at night, it's nearly impossible to get her to come out of the thing. A normal dog would fly out of there the second you open the door in the morning. Cricket wags her tail fast enough to take flight but she doesn't come out. I have to snap a leash on her to get her out and then take her outside. (she won't go outside unless she has a leash on either) If I leave the crate door open, she will go back in it and sleep all day long. If she feels safe there, I feel like I should leave the door open. On the other hand, she needs to learn how to live in a house, not hang out in a crate. I feel like I should be doing something to get her to the point that she can be adopted without the adopters having a nightmare of a time getting her to interact with them. But I have no idea what to do. She is also extremely bad with cats. I have no doubt that she would eat them if I was not in the room to stop her. She acts as if they were mean to her at one point and time and now she wants payback. It doesn't appear that she enjoys it either. Most dogs when they chase a cat or bark at them have a happy look in their eyes. A kind of wooooohooooo this is gonna be fun! But Cricket just looks crazed and angry. After doing a small amount of research while writing this, I've found that most of the stuff I'm doing is the right thing to do but it's so tedious and feels like I'm not doing enough for her. At least I know I haven't been further damaging her.

I mentioned the other day that there's been some weirdness. I have recently and surprisingly, become friends with one of my husband's male friends. It's surprising because I have not been his biggest fan since the second I met him. He looks at most women as if they are his prey. That still bothers me but at least I feel that I can call him out on it. He also has a habit of flirting with anything female. No matter who they are married to, myself included. He's getting better, at least with me. The thing I didn't expect from him is he wants to change. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life hopping from bed to bed. I originally started talking to him (facebook go figure) because, well, I find his life to be sad. I thought maybe he could use a female influence in his life that has no plans of ever sleeping with him. He also works as a nice buffer between me and my husband's other friend who I constantly bump heads with. He who thinks women are beneath men, is racist, homophobic and just everything I feel strongly against. I don't think he used to having a woman voice her opinion and then stick by it no matter how much he talks. I tend to have my husband invite them both if he's going to invite that one. The whole situation with the man whore just came out of no where. At first I told my husband he was getting a little out of line with some of the things he had been saying to me but that I would handle it if it happened again. It hasn't thankfully. I'm cooking for both of them on Wednesday actually. I'd rather it was only the man whore but the man whore wasn't comfortable not inviting the instigator since we all became friends through the instigator.

My kittens are doing fantastic. Shocking since they were so dirty and grimy. They were brought to me almost straight from the shelter and looked like they had been picked up off the side of the road. So far, no issues as far as health. Momma cat has a great deal of dislike for anything canine. I'm going to work with her a bit but I don't think she's ever going to change her opinion. Her kittens don't seem to mind them so I'll keep them socialized with the dogs. I'll probably add their pictures on here tomorrow. I just don't have the motivation to do it right now.

Quick Entry

My cat, Isaiah had his follow-up appointment on Saturday. He has the lesser of the two evils, which is immune mediated hemolytic anemia. For now he is on 15mg of Prednisone a day. (wow) His levels haven't improved very much, however, they haven't gotten any worse since being on the medication. His white blood cells were slightly elevated so they gave him some antibiotics to be on the safe side. Prednisone can lower your ability to fight off infections so we have to be careful. He goes back in sixty days for another cbc. It'll be a little cheaper appointment since they no longer have to do a chem panel on top of it all. We're going to try and go back to the pill form of the Prednisone as the the liquid has become... difficult. I thought it would be easier to just stick a syringe in his mouth but he hates this stuff and foams at the mouth after I give it to him. He's been quite violent (unlike him) when it comes time to give him the medication. If his levels start to get worse at some point, we will have to add another medication. It costs close to a hundred a month so hopefully that won't happen.

Random shit Monday

I hate bra manufacturer's. They seem to think boobs only go to a C. A DD is unheard of in their world.
I always think I'm a year younger than I actually am. I can't tell you how many surveys I've filled out asking for my age and put that I was younger. And no, my age doesn't bother me, which is why it's even weirder.
I don't like white rooms. Give me color any day.
I never sleep on my stomach - ever.
I have no idea how to use potpourri but I want to have some and keep it around like a little old lady.
I own more underwear than anyone I've ever met. I can go weeks without washing any and not run out.
When I was a kid, I fell out of a tree. Onto a broken toilet. I still have a good sized scar from it as a result of not getting stitches. Thanks dad.
I have no idea how to correctly apply make-up and basically just wing it every single day.
I am the queen of random bits of knowledge. I know a little about everything but not everything about one thing.
I plan to do this every week until I can't think of anymore random shit.

Poor baby

My little man has not slept well at all tonight. Why? About an hour and a half before bedtime, he fell head first out of his high chair onto the floor. I've had to put him back in bed five times now. I gave him some Tylenol but after a thump like that, you're bound to have one hell of a headache. And no, I'm not too terribly worried about it being anything severe. He cried for maybe three minutes, saw something on the floor (I was sitting with him on my lap), became interested in it and forgot he just tried to break his brain. He has quite the ugly bruise on his head though. And yes, I feel like shit that I didn't strap him into the seat. I was cleaning out a bottle for him at the sink and had the high chair about a foot and a half away from me. I thought I'd see if he was moving around and be able to sit him back down. I haven't the slightest as to exactly how it happened. I just heard the awful, awful noise of him hitting the floor. It really is the worst noise I have ever heard in my life. Worse even than rolling the truck. And it keeps replaying in my head to the point that it makes me want to go throw up. At least my kids have a high pain tolerance. I think most kids would've hollered for quite a while after that. He scooted on the floor for a while, bothered his sister and then played with some toys. As well as getting very annoyed with me as I continually checked his pupils and his response to me talking to him. I was given the look of death more than a few times for getting in his line of sight of shiny things. :) It's been a long and strange night. (more on the strange part later, I need me some sleepssss)

My best friends' little girl has an appointment with oncology. She is a year younger than Jasmine. They don't really know anything yet. The only reason she knows that her white blood cell count was very low was because her best friend works at the hospital and was able to look at the file. I absolutely feel sick for them. I know if it was one of mine, I would feel panicked until I knew exactly what was going on and that it's not cancer. I want to throw my kids in the car and head to Texas to be with them. That's obviously not a possibility.

Crazy Cricket

When we first brought her in the house... she just cowered. She would move through the house and then suddenly cower. If there was a loud noise or one of us spoke too loudly, she hit the floor. I eventually coaxed her into our bedroom, put down some food and just kind of hung out for a while. I'd only had two hours of sleep so I wasn't really in the mood to run around the house with a strange dog. It wasn't long before she learned that the bed is far more comfortable than the floor. She hasn't had an accident in the house yet. Did I mention she's never been in a house? She's believed to be between 2 and 3 years old, although it can be harder to tell with puppy mill dogs. She has scars on her face and her entire left ear is scarred and has hair missing. We don't know if this was from getting beat up by other dogs or from trying to get out of the cage. If it was from fighting, I can tell you right now, Cricket didn't go looking for it. We're hanging out on the bed and she's panting like she's going through menopause so I turn the ceiling fan on. No big deal, right? I forgot the dog had never been in a house before. To her, the ceiling fan was coming to attack her, possibly chopping off her head in the process. I honestly think if I hadn't turned it off when I did, she would've tried to go through my walls. It took a while for her to recover. Once my husband got home, we had to leave as we had a showing for the house today. Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah, that's because I didn't know till about six hours before the people were set to show up. We load up the car with Cricket and one of my foster kittens since I had to go drop him off at Petsmart anyway. (oh and we threw the kids in the trunk... can't leave 'em behind, it's the law) We come home and no one is in the driveway so we're free and clear. The phone rings before I even have a chance to sit down. It's our realtor and the people suddenly can't come and will have to reschedule. Gee, thanks for all the warnings in advance. We convinced Cricket to go outside for a while with my husband. When she came back in, it was time for us to eat dinner so we left her in the backroom. (we found out very quickly earlier in the day that she will go to extremes to get human food) When we brought her back in, it was like starting all over again with her. She was scared, had to get used to us moving around all over. She's been better the last two hours though. I was told she didn't seem to have much of a prey drive. I'm finding that's not really true. She goes on the defensive with any and all animals. If the cat walks past her, she gives him the Elvis lip. If he hesitates (just like hey doggy what's up? Not, dude I will scratch that look right off your face) at all, she's snipping at them. And if they run, she's running and snipping at them. It was the only time she's actually been yelled at because I was afraid she was going to get my daughter's cat. She hasn't met all of our dogs yet. I didn't want to overwhelm her. I saved the two most dominate dogs for later. She's been outside with all the herding breeds that we have though. It went well other than her frequent giving of the Elvis lip. They don't really seem to know what to make of her. They're very 'you sniff my butt, I sniff your butt, then we play' kind of dogs. She's more 'get the hell away from my ass and let me wander about by myself.' Hopefully she'll learn to play with others in the coming weeks. I would hate for her to be an only animal as it's much harder to adopt out any animal, whether it be a dog or cat, that has to be the only pet. Now, I think I'll try to get some sleep. Hopefully nothing weird happens in the middle of the night and freaks her out. I don't want to wake up to that.

I feel all right now

We're all sitting around watching The Big Bang Theory last night. Penny stays the night at Leonard's apartment. She's in their kitchen, making breakfast. She has the radio on and is dancing around wildly. Right about then, my husband says incredulously "Do people actually DO that?" I looked at him with a kind of half embarrassed but really not smile and said "You mean when they're making chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the night?" Jasmine has seen me dance in ways that no one else probably ever will, freely with complete abandon. It's almost always while I'm baking or cleaning. After all, cleaning is a great deal more enjoyable with the radio on so why not dance as well? We danced last night to a ton of cheesy 80's music. ("Mony, Mony" being one we heard on a few stations during the course of two hours, however it was the 60's version, not Billy Idol's we were listening to) I think I burned two days worth of calories as well. My favorite music to dance to is the cheesy stuff though. It's fun to sing to, fun to listen to and it gets stuck in your head.

I probably won't be getting much, if any sleep today. One of the women with the rescue is bringing over some fosters for me. Yes as in plural. The plan was to get the border collie sometime this week. However, this foster also has a (gorgeous) cat that had kittens. Only one has survived so far and to be honest, she's not great with kittens so she asked if I wanted to take them. Orange will be going to Petsmart tomorrow for however long we're there so I'll be losing one and gaining two. (as far as cats go) Sounds like the momma is a so/so momma therefore, she will have to be caged with her baby. I would prefer not to bottle feed anyone but I will if she turns into a bad momma.

Random shit monday

I love rock music.
I hate Metallica. (that noise you just heard, was my brother's head exploding)
Our bed is what my husband likes to call a hillbilly queen. We took a queen box spring, turned it sideways and put two twins on top next to each other. We can't afford a new mattress and the other one was k.i.l.l.i.n.g. my back.
I can't stand people who live their lives as if they're checking things off the list.
My second toe is much longer than my "big" toe.
I can bend my fingers in unusual positions that make people think "Ow"
I can touch my tongue to my nose.
I don't have a favorite color.
Which means, I don't have a least favorite color.
It annoys me when people type LiKe ThIs.
I frequently give my time to others.
I only like to drink water if it is almost frozen.
I hate the taste of cranberries and raspberries.
I don't typically use the word hate.
I am violent when you wake me up... and I never remember it.
My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure what color my eyes are.
My body is not made for cold weather and I bitch constantly if I'm chilled.
I love sledding. :)
It annoys me that I don't try harder to use my large vocabulary.
I prefer to get up at 10am.
This rarely, if ever, happens.

Around and about

My husband is going to have a CT scan done of his sinuses. He goes to the doctor for sinus infections more than anything else. And it wasn't even his doctor that made this decision, it was the nurse practitioner. He only saw her because his doctor didn't have any time available to see him. (he went back because the antibiotics weren't working at all) She argued with the other doctor about sending him to get the scan but held her ground and eventually he gave in. I don't see any reason for them not to send him to get the scan, other than they keep raking in money by having him sick all the time. We have awesome insurance so it's not like anyone is going to get stuck with an unpaid bill. I really don't care for the doctor he sees. My kids and I go to a doctor at a completely different practice and I absolutely love him.

Evan is very close to crawling now. He can army crawl across the floor pretty fast when he sees something he knows he's not allowed to have. Or when he wants to annoy his sister. He also pulled himself up to a standing position tonight by himself, using his Within Arm's Reach bed. (I don't know what else to call it, it's not a bassinet but it's not a play yard either so I just use the name it goes by) I think by the end of the month I'll have to move him to a crib. I was hoping that I could just keep using this thing for quite some time but now that he's really getting good at pulling himself to a sitting position, I just don't see it as a safe option. I want to get bumper's but I haven't decided yet what is the best option as far as that goes. They're readily available and yet you're told not to put anything soft and squishy in the baby's bed with them because of SIDS. However, if I don't put anything in a crib with him, he's going to get his arm's and leg's stuck in the thing a thousand times a night. This is a kid who likes to sleep with his face pressed against the side of his current bed, no way am I going to get away with not putting anything in a crib. It's a large part of the reason that Jasmine never used a crib. I was terrified of the risk of SIDS and the bumpers but without them, she was constantly hurting herself and waking up screaming. Eventually, you give in, let them sleep with you or else you lose your mind from lack of sleep. I'm currently looking for soft soled shoes for him as well. I feel strongly that children who cannot walk confidently, should not be in shoes. Therefore, I am looking for something that will keep his feet warm, stay on his feet and is very soft and bendable so as not to cause any problems walking. I was lucky with Jasmine, when she started walking, it was summer. The only person in this family that frequently wears shoes in the summer, is my husband. The rest of us prefer our feet to be free.

I'm sure by now I've started to drive the other foster crazy who has the border collie. I was hoping to get her sometime this weekend but it's been a busy weekend for the rescue as far as events go. The first night I was thinking, 'I'm not totally sure I want to do this' but after that I've just been getting more and more excited about having her. Especially after hearing more about her. She is apparently slightly cross eyed. I've never even had a cat that was cross eyed and I've had several siameses. She sounds very sweet and well mannered. I'm not sure the condition of her teeth. Many of the dogs that came from this puppy mill were kept in crates constantly. This is one of the worst things you can do to a border collie. It will literally make them crazy. They are extremely intelligent and need a goal, something to do or they become destructive. Most of the border collies in puppy mills end up with corroded teeth from chewing obsessively at the bars and many have scars on their face from trying to chew out. It's really awful. One of the dogs we received from TN is going to need extensive dental work before she can be adopted out. I believe the one I'm getting and the other that needs the work both have urine burns from laying in their own feces. And yet, these dogs come out of it all and seem almost like they lived normal dog lives. I know from working with retired greyhounds that there is always a characteristic you can pick out from certain breeds to just kind of know they didn't live a privileged life. Typically, with retired greyhounds, you will rarely see their ears perked up. They are almost always back against their heads and they carry themselves a little differently. It's not so much something I can explain as something you have to see and be around to really get. I'm just looking forward to showing Cricket that her life is about to do a huge change. She will have a life that she never dreamed possible while living in those cages. She will sleep on human beds and run through a yard with other dogs. She will sleep in silence instead of listening to dozens of barking, restless dogs.

Playing Catch Up not to be confused with Ketchup

I've been super tired lately. Shawn has been sick for, jeez, I lost count how many days now. Around a week and a half I want to say. Fever, chills, face hurts, coughing, etc. I finally got him to go to the doctor yesterday. He doesn't seem to know what's going on so he just gave him antibiotics. He's needed a tooth pulled for two weeks now and suddenly decided this morning would be a good time to do that. You know, since he's already in so much misery, why not add to it? I've gotten very little in the way of time off from kids since he got sick. I'm doing my best to be understanding but I want to kick the crap out of his white blood cells, guide them in the right direction and get this over with!

I found out a few days ago that when Shawn took my cat to the vet, the vet told him not to expect him to live more than ten days. He didn't tell me that because he didn't want me to freak out. I get not telling me the first or second day (I was already a bit upset at the thought of him dying) but I would've liked to know that I may not have very much time left at all with him. He's been holding steady since that vet appointment, up until the last few days. His eyes are weepy again and he seems to be sleeping more. Still eating and drinking though and Jasmine said he tried to dart into the kitchen before she could close the door so that's a good sign. He goes back for more blood tests in a week.

Next week I'll be fostering a dog. I know, I didn't think I'd do ANY dogs for a long time. However, we ran into some issues at the rescue. We took in several border collie's from a puppy mill seizure and then there were, I believe, 35 dogs seized from the next county over. The shelter they were taken to is a kill shelter and is one of the ones we deal most closely with. When they called to ask if we could lighten their current load a bit, we agreed, knowing if we didn't, they would surely be up for euthanasia. (the 35 cannot be adopted out until they are given over or the court gives them over so for now, they are taking up space) We are taking one of the border collies. I really don't have much information on her other than she hasn't went potty in her crate in the last two days. :) And she's very submissive. I don't have any dogs that are overly aggressive but if another dog shows a lot of dominance, Cash gets a little pissy. We haven't had a dog in about a year now so I'm a little nervous at my own dogs reactions. I'll just do it like I always do, toss them out the backdoor and hope for the best. (we do it one at a time, not the whole pack at once) I'm not sure of the conditions of the puppy mill that she was kept at or the conditions she was in when she was seized. I may or may not learn more in the next week. They came from TN so we may not actually know a lot. Again, I'm nervous but getting excited about it as well. I love the herding breeds and this is only the second herder I have gotten to foster and we had the last one such a short time, maybe a few days.

I've been playing phone tag with my OB the last few days. As I stated before, I suddenly had bleeding and some other things that concerned me. Quite frankly, I thought I was having a miscarriage. I thought on the IUD that would be extremely rare but after doing some research, I found that it does happen and usually the first year of the placement. The doctor doesn't seem too concerned, had me take a pregnancy test, which was negative (at home) and told me to call back if things don't improve. If something like this happens again, I think I'll have it removed. I don't want to think I may keep getting pregnant and then having miscarried because of this thing. I don't want to have another baby for a while but I would rather have it go to term than have that happen. I still need to make an appointment for my psoriasis but this took precedent (did I use that correctly?) for the moment.

The three kittens we have right now are doing fabulously. Although I was bitten by Mango earlier tonight. I washed and washed and then washed again. I know what those infections feel like and I'd like to avoid it if at all possible. We're still working on getting him used to dogs and stupid me was holding him when Savannah walked by. Savannah is now scarred for life. (mentally not physically) She thinks kittens came straight from hell to hiss, spit and claw at her. She seems to think adult cats are completely unrelated to the smaller things from hell. The other two kittens pretty much act as if dogs do not exist and would gladly walk over top of them, rather than around. Typical cat.

Odds, ends and the like

Here I thought I was falling into a depression again. Nope. I was pmsing. Why didn't I realize that? Because I haven't had a period since July. Now suddenly they're back. I don't know if that's normal but since I need an appointment with my OB soon anyway, I might as well ask if the IUD needs to be checked. I know it's still in there because I can feel it when the screamer jumps on my stomach.

I also need to see about my psoriasis. I've had a spot of it since the end of my pregnancy with Jasmine, on my ankle. It's noticeable enough that I've had people ask me about it but it isn't spreading, nor has it bothered me so I've just kind of stopped with any creams. That is until recently. It's spread to my chest and I'd like to, you know, not have it do that. I'm going to try and get my doctor to refer me to a dermatologist since when I showed him the spot on my ankle he was kind of 'I guess that's what it could be.' I don't care for that answer anymore. I want someone to say, here is the expensive cream that will erase it.

Allergies have been out of control. Jasmine wakes up every day sniffling and sneezing. She then spends the day that way. I have been on and off throughout the days. I'll sneeze nonstop for ten minutes and then be good for a few hours. Allergy medicine is kicking my ass though. I take it, fall asleep, wake up, take some more, fall asleep. I usually have a prescription for some stuff but I didn't think I needed it anymore since I've been good up until recently. Dummy.

Shawn spent the last couple of days in bed with a 103 fever. I've been without my helper. :( Of course, the kids choose the worst days to act like monsters from hell. My day was spent stop doing that, stop doing that, stopdoingthat, stopdoingthat, STOP DOING THAT!!!!!

Evan has two bottom teeth and keeps biting himself, which ends with him sobbing. It happens a good ten thousand times a day. Give him a cookie and you're guaranteed to see him bite down on at least one finger. Sometimes he doesn't even have food in his mouth. He just bites down and hurts his gums on the top half of his mouth. I've muttered under my breath 'baby's are stupid' a good dozen times in the past two days. If you gnaw on your hand and it hurts, stop doing it. I'm just sayin'.

And the vet massively screwed up the neuter on one of my fosters. I've seen this procedure done dozens of times. I honestly think I could DO this myself. And yet the new vet managed to cut the wrong wire. I'm glad she's not on the bomb squad. Kitty was in the hospital for I think five days and nights and seems to have come quite close to dying. (I don't know as I wasn't the one to speak to the vet, the other foster handled it) He is out now but will not be coming back with us as he has several adopters interested in him. We will be getting several of them back for a time.

Grandpa

As a kid, I would follow you from room to room. I didn't do it intentionally. I would be playing, look up and no one would be around, so I'd find you, sit down and start playing some more. Eventually, I'd look up and no one would be around, so I'd find you again. You weren't avoiding me, you just had things to do that didn't require sitting around while I played at your feet. On the rare occasions you were sitting (nascar is on or football but usually it was for nascar), I would sit in front of your chair but not in front of the tv and either keep myself busy playing quietly or watch as you blew smoke rings to the ceiling. (back before you quit) When it was warm outside, you would sit in one of the chairs with the radio on, a dog at your feet and I would run around the yard. There was never much in the way of speaking, unless you were singing along to the radio or asking me if I wanted some chocolate covered caterpillars, crickets or ants, and we liked it that way. At night, we were always the last to sleep. You would sit down in one of the recliners (which I now own and plan to reupholster) and I would sit on the my bed made of egg cartons. Grandma had bought proper beds but us kids always preferred to sleep on the floor in the living room. You would usually watch the country music channel or an old John Wayne movie. The line dancing I could've done without but I did enjoy watching the duke. Late into the night, you would give in and go to bed, giving me access to the remote control. I would spend hours watching Golden Girls or I Love Lucy. The next morning you'd barely be able to finish your coffee before I'd be awake and back at it. There was only one time I can ever remember you getting stern with me my entire life and I deserved it. I was four or five, testing the limits of your patience. We, you, grandma and myself were watching tv and I was crawling through the drapes. No matter how many times you asked me to stop, I would just continue on when I thought you'd stopped paying attention. I would've gone after me a long time before you did. As I grew older, the only thing that changed was that I didn't play anymore but I still wasn't usually more than a room away from you. I can only imagine what you were thinking all those years. 'Damn kid won't give me two seconds of peace.' I always wanted the man that I married to have the same sense of values that you did. And when you met Shawn and instantly had a bond, I knew I was doing ok.

During those teenage years, I did things that I shouldn't have and all along worried that you would find out and it would disappoint you. Even though you had been a smoker, I never wanted you to know I was one, although I think you had a pretty good idea. I wanted you to be proud of the person I was becoming. After all, as a child, you were a god to me, infallible and infinite. All it would've taken to get me to stop doing anything at all, would've been a look of disapproval from you.

After Jasmine was born, I was intrigued by the attachment she had to you. The bond that you shared was immediate and binding. You were two kindred souls. There was not much communication on her part, other than smiling every time she saw you or heard you voice in another room and yet there was a perfect understanding that you were the same. She, too, would've followed you from room to room. The only difference is, I don't think she would have the ability to keep as quiet.

All those years you were the strongest person I knew. You could do work that it would take several men hours of work to accomplish. The only time I think you looked back and thought maybe you should've had someone else do a job, was when you were pulling that old post out of the ground for my mom. You remember, the post that went through the back window of the truck that you were sitting in. It probably damn near scared the shit out of you but hearing my mom's voice full of panic caused you to laugh. I'm sure she thought she'd need an ambulance for you and here you were laughing at her. It wasn't long after that however, that you were putting up the wood fence there. You were down to the gate that had been giving you all some trouble. I was on the deck and our eyes met. It's one of the few times I could truly tell you were in pain. It must have been something awful too because you never left a job unfinished.

It seems like months later that they finally sent you in for xrays and found the mass growing in your lung. Then, everything moved in fast forward. It didn't seem like we had a chance to catch our breath before we were in the hospital, waiting for you to come out of surgery. Mom and I, met you and grandma at the hospital to be checked in. They let us see you after you'd gotten some of the medication to relax you. They were signing forms and you told me to take a flower. I looked puzzled for a moment before I realized you were a bit high and thought that the flowers attached to the pen were real. I don't remember if I'd slept that night or not. The waiting makes you sick. You want to shake someone and ask them what the hell is going on. Our family took up a good portion of that little waiting room. I'm sure they were relieved when we were told you were in recovery and we could all go back and see you. I thought I could be strong enough but when I saw the tubs coming out of your chest and all the wires attached, I felt sick and knew if I didn't leave the room immediately, I was going to pass out. The nurse asked a family to move off the couch so I could lay down for a few minutes. The elderly gentleman said he understood as his granddaughter had the same reaction upon seeing his wife in recovery.

We all walked on egg shells for quite some time after your surgery. You healed, slowly. We were worried that every scan would show it was back or had spread. You did too. You were convinced it had come back. And eventually, you were right. Only it had nothing to do with the cancer that had been in your lungs. This was a whole other monster, one that couldn't be removed with a scalpel. This one was living in your blood. The doctors put you on a new type of chemo that you could take in pill form. We thought we had plenty of time before the cancer would take it's toll. I had just seen you a day or two prior. My mom took a day off work just for the hell of it, when the phone rang. The caller id said it was from the hospital. I answered it. Grandma was on the other end and I knew immediately, it was bad. We were dressed, ready to go and to the hospital quite quickly, looking back but at the time I worried that we weren't driving fast enough. You were still in the ER when we got there. Grandma had calmed down a little. You were having trouble breathing to the point that she called an ambulance. You had pneumonia but waited till there was no stopping it to rear it's ugly head. I didn't leave the room to hear what the doctors had to say. I didn't want to hear them if it meant it couldn't be said in the room. Eventually, they moved you up to the cancer ward. I thought you were doing better. I didn't want to see the truth. I even tracked down your nurse when I went to get a pop and asked her if you didn't have the DNR, if there would be some way to remove the excess fluid from your lungs. Yes, I would've tried to go against your wishes if it meant saving your life. I just couldn't stand the thought that something completely treatable would be the thing to snuff out the brightest candle to ever burn. When it happened, I felt like they were going to have to drag me from the room. The nurses wanted to make the room more presentable for family that was yet to come. I, on the other hand, felt like if I let go of you, it was really over. If I let go of your hand, the connection would be broken, I would be broken. A part of me would be taken and I would no longer be whole. If it had been a nurse to pull me off of you and not my mom, I would've hit them. I don't doubt that for a second. I wasn't ready. But I never would've been ready. The only sound I could hear were my mom's voice and my soul being torn apart. Jasmine had been silent the entire time. She sat in her car seat for at least an hour. Within a minute of your passing, she was inconsolable. It got so bad that I had Shawn take her to his mom's house for a few hours. But not before I let her sit on the bed next to you and touch your hand. It was the only time she stopped crying. She was only four months old.

I would never have been anywhere different than by your side that day. I know some people would never watch their loved ones pass away. For me, there wasn't a question. There was nothing anyone could've offered me to have taken me away from that hospital that day. That piece is still missing but I feel you around me. When grandma broke her arm on Christmas day a few years ago, we talked about the jokes you would've made, once you knew she was going to be ok and was fully doped up on pain killers of course. I say melonwater now instead of watermelon. I can only imagine how mad grandma was when she realized that's why my aunt didn't know what a watermelon was. Someday, I'll eat a twix and ask my kids if they want a chocolate covered caterpillar. I'll bit into it and say "See, it's still fresh and chewy on the inside." I don't think any of us kids took any candy you ever offered us. Too afraid it would actually be made of bugs.

I will always carry me with you but I can never get that piece back. After a while, crocodile.

I have a post in mind for today but I just don't have it in me tonight to do it. My head hurts and I don't want to sit here and cry, making it worse. Today, (20th) Evan is 8 months old. Also today, my grandfather passed away four years ago. This has been, for me, the worst year with him gone. After awhile, Crocodile.

I know, I'm rambling

I don't know exactly what is going on with me lately. I'm exhausted, depressed, angry... just about every not good emotion you could want to have. I'm not sure if I've been taking my anti-depressants regularly. It's not unusual for me to miss one or two a week as kind of a way to make them last longer. Missing two in a week wouldn't cause me any problems but more than that might. In all honesty, it's probably been coming all along and I've just been in denial about it somewhat. I figured I could handle all the stress and weather the storm a little better than I would've in the past. And I suppose I am, better than back then. I just thought I could avoid this feeling all together. I need to de-stress and I don't know how. Really, I don't know what helps me feel less stressed out. When I lived at my mom's, I would sit outside for a while and just listen to the birds. Can't do that now because one kid will want me or my husband will have had enough of the screamer. I think a great deal of my headaches the last two months have been due to stress. You can only blame your sinuses for so long before you have to realize it's something else. Some days the kids seem to make everything a thousand times worse, other days, they're the only thing that keeps me from banging my head into a wall repeatedly. Jasmine knows just the right things to say some days and Evan knows just when to smile out of no where. And I know a part of it is the time of year. A very big part of it this year more than the others for some reason. We tried leaving the kids with my mom for a few hours, thinking it would help me. But it really didn't. I felt the same way with them here as I did without them here. Although, at times, it's nice to only have one of them with me at a time. Like today. I just took Jazz and we went shopping with my mom. Yes, the same woman who sliced up her tendon with a nail is now out shopping. Granted, there was a lot of limping involved but she was out. Now come to think of it, I felt pretty decent most of today till I had to come back home. It's not home that is a problem, it's reality, I think. When I'm here, reality is right. in. my. face. When I'm out, my mind can wander to cute clothes or sweet animals. Hopefully, once we're past this weekend, things will start to feel better. The sooner it's over with, the sooner I can dread it for next year. But at least for this year, it will be over. And then again, maybe I'll take up a Xanax habit. That's a joke by the way. No interventions necessary. I promise, less whining in the future but this weekend there are special circumstances.

People love me so much they give me stuff

The really nice people at The Green Bottle have agreed to donate two of their bottles to our rescue organization. This is the first time I've convinced someone to give us something for free. I'm not comfortable with asking most of the time. However, they have it on their website that if you are a non-profit and would like a bottle from them, then plead your case and they will consider it. I really like this company. I haven't gotten a bottle from them yet but plan on doing so in the future. They come in a variety of colors and designs. Yah! http://www.greenbottleonline.com/about.html

We were running out to get pizza tonight and I was letting Rocky back in the house before we left. Somehow (I wasn't paying attention and I'm naturally accident prone) the bottom of the storm door got caught on my heel, digging into my achilies and taking some flesh with it. My achilies is something I'm weird about. I don't like it touched by anyone. If Shawn is rubbing my feet, he knows to stay away from that area or I will freak out. I'm not sure when it started or why. For whatever reason, Shawn decided he needed to come back into the house - Oh he forgot his keys - and I was gripping the door and making an exaggrated amount of noise. (typical for me when I'm in pain) About an hour later I was able to look at it. I can't tell how deep it is as everytime I move my foot, it starts to bleed. At least I'm no longer whimpering. :) The only way I know it would've hurt anyone, not just me, was I immediately felt like throwing up. Mean old door.

Shpeel

Six kitties are getting neutered and one is getting spayed tomorrow. I'm sure they'll enjoy that. It's weird not having them around tonight. No one to chew on my toes or try to jump me from around the corner. I'm looking forward to making my kitten cage super awesome, fantastic. :)

In November, one of the Cirque shows (a brand new one!) is coming to Chicago. It'll be there till middle of January. My husband has gotten to do a ton of boy stuff these last few weeks, which will be continuing on through next year since he has Bulls tickets. When he bought Cubs tickets a few weeks ago I told him if there were any shows I wanted to see, I was going and he was taking me. Barring any major expenses coming up between now and the end of October (when we'll have the money to go) I should be going to see my first Cirque show! I want to take Jasmine as well because I think she'll love it as she likes to watch the shows on tv. I need to find someone to watch Evan for the day. Hoping my mommy dearest will step up to that one because my other "usual" sitter and I aren't on the happiest of terms and I think it's going to get worse in the coming months before it gets better. They are saying this is going to be different from any Cirque show that has been done before. Different than any show from any theatre group ever. They're being purposely vague about details. You can see little snippets and you know there are tap dancers, hip hop dancers, clowns and a story line but there's no defining line as to what exactly the show entails. It is called Banana Shpeel: A new twist on Vaudeville. It's supposed to be a mix of a lot of the old styles of dance and theatre mixed in with modern. It's so new and never been done before that they are making up dance steps as they go. I believe it will be different from most other Cirque shows in the respect that there's not going to be a lot of the acrobatics that you associate with Cirque. Which is the only reason I would be hesitant to take Jasmine as I know the acrobatics are something that would keep her focus and attention for most, if not all of the show. I would like to make a day of it. We don't go up to Chicago often. (I would like to go more) There are so many places and shops that I haven't seen and foods to try. I'd like to eat before the show, have a nice fat, full tummy and sit down to watch. Anyone have any good restaurant suggestions?

Blood, herpes and nails... not in that order

My poor mom had a hell of a weekend. Saturday, she was tearing up carpet in one of the upstairs rooms with a box cutter. She was doing small sections at a time 'cuz, you know, that shit's heavy. At one point, the box cutter slipped and sliced up her arm. (I forgot to look at the damage today and scold her) It sounds like it was a pretty nasty cut and she probably should've went to see if it needed stitches but the women of our family come from a very stubborn stock. We'd just as soon have a scar, be in a little pain than take our asses to a hospital, sit in a waiting room full of sick and/or crazy people and finally, after four hours of sitting with said crazy people, you get taken back for a five minute stitch and a band aid. Onto Sunday, she was out getting ready to feed the horses or do something with those big knuckle headed animals, when she stepped on a board. On top of the board was some shingles. Sticking out of the board was a nail. A sharp, pissed off nail. He went straight through my mom's foot to the point that you can actually see where it touched the skin on the top half. And yes, she had shoes on. It's a good thing the shingles were sitting on the board or else she would've had to pull the nail and board off her foot. The shingles weighed everything down and when she lifted her foot to continue her step, the nail came out. It still gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it. She goes to Medpoint, as it was a Sunday and like I said before, we don't like the ER. Unfortunately, it sounds like she got a doctor who had just plain had enough that weekend. He didn't do anything for her or give her anything. Not even a Tylenol 3 for shit's sake. I bitched about that point more than she did. She thought she might be able to force herself to go into work today... with no pain medication... with a hole in her foot. Yeah we were donkeys in a past life. However, when she woke up for work at 3am, it became immediately evident that there would be no work. My brother actually had to carry her back to bed after she called in sick. She made an appointment at our regular doctor's office where they actually took some time to look at her foot. She had xrays and a note saying no more work for a week. They gave her a tetanus shot (or was that at Medpoint? I don't remember), antibiotics (which was a damn good thing because she's running a fever now) and enough vicodin to make a junkie cry tears of joy. Turns out she nicked a tendon when the nail went in, which is why moving her toes in any way at all is terribly painful. I figure while she's off work we'll take up jogging, go shopping and do some step aerobics.

I stopped and picked up a cat cage from another foster today for when we have showings. You should never, ever tell me I can't or shouldn't do something by myself. I will nod my head and agree but the second I'm out of sight, I will do it on my own. (did I mention I come from stubborn women?) We didn't have time to set up the cage when we got home. And then Shawn went to bed. The cage was not up and I hate leaving things undone. Even though I was told that it was a two person job, I went ahead and tried to set it up myself. I have a blood blister but it's up. Take THAT cat cage!

Evan over the last week or so has decided he will not go to bed unless he is sitting up. You know, god forbid he miss me typing some boring shit on here. As soon as he could sit up really well, he decided that sleeping was for cats, not babies. Every night is a fight to get him to sleep. I want to lay him down, have him fall asleep and be done with it. He wants to sit up until his eyes can't stay open any longer. However, he's on the verge of crawling (he can caterpillar it pretty far as of today) therefore, I have to keep him on my lap or risk him wiggling right onto the floor. Which means, every other word I type comes out like t/zh/is and I have to backspace, pull his hands off the keys and take a deep breath to keep from duct taping his hands together, then to his torso. Someone explain to me why my maternal clock says 'Hey why not have another one in a year or two?! It'll be FUN." Fun like what? Herpes? Jock itch? Seriously how effed is my clock??

Sweet smells

The last few day have been full of nice smells in my house. Last night I made homemade soft pretzels. (first time ever cooking something bread-like) They were fantastic. I will definitely make them again... on a special occasion. The dough needed to be kneaded for quite a while. I've never kneaded bread. It's haaaaard. :) My arms, back, legs and neck all hurt afterwards. (I set the bowl on a bench and was bent over... gave me more momentum but caused the achies) It took about three hours all together. Knead dough, allow dough to rise one rough, roll out half of dough, make into pretzels, dip into stuff, allow rise 15 more minutes and then finally, cook for 5-8. The only change I will make the next time is that I will not roll into pretzels. Rolling dough out like this takes a great deal of time and effort. After you *finally* get the dough rolled out into a pencil thin line, you have to make it into a pretzel shape, dunk it in a baking soda/water solution and then put aside for a while. I cannot count the amount of pretzels that stretched and snapped after putting them in the baking soda/water. The curse words were flying. I made three perfect pretzels... out of 12. And those three? I didn't think to grease the pan and they stuck to it, till the next day. Yeah, laugh it up. I ended up cutting them into one inch pieces and they were perfect for dipping that way.

Tonight I made spice cake with vanilla icing. It turned out well and I was surprised that Jasmine likes it. Typically, you give the kid a piece of cake and she'll eat all the pieces with frosting and toss the rest. She actually ate all of the piece of spice cake I gave her. I was more interested in frosting the cake. I have only gotten to use my new icing tools for cupcakes. The cake told me... I need practice. haha As I've said before, I do not have steady hands, thus my piping skills are lacking. It might have looked better if there had been an earthquake at the same time. Even out my own shakiness a little. :)

Thank you for the well wishes for Isaiah. It'll be a few more days before we notice any real sign of improvement if the prednisone is working but he seems a little more bright eyed today. That could just be wishful thinking on my part however.

My Kitty

My flame point siamese, Isaiah has been slowly losing weight over the last few months. I tried worming him, I tried antibiotics, different food, anything I could before I had to take him into the vet. I think I put it off because I just knew it would be bad news. I, however, was expecting cancer, not an autoimmune disease. They did quite a few tests (all of which I knew they would do before he was even taken up there) before telling my husband it was one of two autoimmune diseases, aplastic anemia or immune mediated hemolytic anemia. With the aplastic anemia, his bone marrow stops making red blood cells over time, eventually completely. Your red blood cells carry oxygen needed to keep your organs alive, without them, your organs are deprived of oxygen and die. The only way to be certain he has aplastic is to do a bone marrow aspirate. There's no treatment if he has it and he would slowly fade away and die. The vet (my favorite at this clinic) said that doing the test would be cruel as it's extremely painful and wouldn't give us any results other than ruling it out if that's not what it is. The immune mediated hemolytic anemia is when your bodies white blood cells attack the red blood cells. They see the red blood cells as the enemy or a foreign invader in your body and try to kill them all off. There is treatment with this kind of anemia but he still has a 50/50 chance of dying. Right now he is on Prednisone and a high calorie diet as well as a high calorie gel. (he's not happy about any of this except for the diet which means loads of canned food) After 30 days, he will be seen by the vet again. If he hasn't improved at all, they will assume it is aplastic but if he's showing signs of gaining weight and becoming more active, he will be kept on the Prednisone for the rest of his life. I'm still learning about both of these kinds of anemia therefore, I feel a little... ignorant I suppose. Typically, I can walk into a vet's office, be told a diagnosis and immediately have a strong idea of what happens, the tests given, possible treatments, etc., so I feel a little out of sorts. However, the more I'm learning, the more discouraged I am becoming.

Chicken Little

Just made friends with a weird little bug. I decided to befriend him rather than torture him mercilessly (because, you know, I torture all living things for fun, right) as he looked kind of out of this world. I believe him to be from another planet. I figured if I was kind to him, he would spare our planet from destruction. See, I just saved the world. You should all be eternally grateful. Maybe even buy me presents. Or another crack rock for Mary Poppins. She's withdrawing at the moment and pissing me off. (facebookers inside joke-ish) At any rate, he was rather interesting looking. Flat as a piece of paper and fast as fire next to gasoline. I allowed him to crawl (or run) on me for a while as I tried to figure out exactly what the hell it was and then, once I gave up, I let him go. (back to his spaceship that is... because he's an alien... he told me himself)

Drop off momma cat tomorrow so that she can get her spay on. (harhar, I'm just full of it tonight) And pick up a kitten cage for when we have showings as well as some food and litter for the little monsters. We only have one that still hisses on a regular basis when he sees people but as long as you stand still for a second, he unpuffs. He'll need a home that for whatever reason wants a cat they never have to see or pet. Unless they take two at once, then he might come out more often. The rest should adjust pretty easily to whatever home they find. (or don't find since it seems like no one is adopting cats right now) Friday the realtor comes by to take some pictures. She was going to do it today but it was a little rainy out and she wants to take outdoor photos as well so we put it off for a few days. Otherwise a pretty laid back kind of week around here. (shit did I just say that? the sky is going to fall now)

If you are a Halloween fan, http://pfatt.blogspot.com/ is having quite a neat giveaway. I love all holidays but love the whimsy of Halloween. :) Forgive me as I'm not very good at the whole pretty linkage thing. ha

Tesla/Saliva concert and photos

Today we went to a concert benefiting kids with muscular dystrophy after the ABATE motorcycle ride. There was a local band called Os-lo, which we missed almost all of but a few seconds. After they started the show, Saliva came on. They rocked out, however the energy was pretty low on stage I felt. I still enjoyed their set a great deal nonetheless. The main show was Tesla. Wow. Those guys still carry a great deal of energy in their shows and got the crowd nice and riled up. After Signs, my throat started to get a little scratchy. (yes, I'm aware it's not their song - I don't care) I had an absolutely awesome time. I haven't had the greatest luck in the past with concerts and tend to go into them with a glass half empty attitude. Tesla proved you can bring down the house without all the fancy equipment and lights. If the band is into it, the crowd will be into it. My favorite of the songs they did tonight would have to be Love. Even if you weren't a fan of Tesla or that particular song, the energy was just overwhelming.

I took both kids to the event as it was all ages. This was my mom's second Tesla concert. I was always jealous that she'd gotten to go when I was a kid. Jasmine loved it. It was an outdoor concert therefore she was able to run in the grass like a crazy child and scream at the top of her lungs and no one would give a crap. (or hear her for that matter) We were in an area of the grass that didn't have a ton of people so she had plenty of room to roam. Evan... went to sleep. I had Shawn run and buy him earplugs. I was going to bring some but couldn't find them at the house. We gave a pair to another couple with a baby as well. They seemed to be struggling to find a way to keep the noise level down for their little girl. Both my mom and I bought a t-shirt (two for her) and had Frank Hannon, the lead guitarist from Tesla sign them. He is a very nice guy (I can't say that enough, seriously) and seems as down to earth as a rocker can get. At one point he was out watching Saliva along with everyone else. We were the only ones who recognized him or were paying enough attention to see that he was out there. My mom took his picture and shook his hand. It was nice that he didn't seem annoyed by it. (unlike a certain Saliva member who shall go unnamed) And I may have a small crush on him. :) He's hotter in person than any photos out there.

Saliva onstage.

The rhythm guitarist for Saliva, Jonathan Montoya. He looked super high, although it could've been a result of splashing beer over his head repeatedly making his eyes red. I watched an interview with him and he has a surprisingly quiet voice with a slight southern drawl. He's cute when he's not looking psychotic.

Jasmine on daddy's shoulders watching the Saliva set. She's super interested, can't you tell?

Frank Hannon... Swooooon

My mom, Jasmine and myself right after the Saliva set.

Frank on what I believe is a Gibson.

Jasmine and Shawn playing during Tesla. Had to keep her busy somehow.

Jeff Keith, lead singer of Tesla and Frank, again. We were digging the top hat. Must have been annoying him as it didn't stay on longer than two songs.

Daddy and Jazz taking a break from running around.

Jeff Keith again. The guy didn't stop moving the entire show. I swear he possesses more energy than both my kids. He brought a lot of energy to the crowd. And rocked every song from beginning to end.

Evan with his neon pink ear plugs. :)

Jasmine trying to give the peace sign. I keep trying to teach her the horns but for whatever reason, she absolutely, positively refuses to do it.

I know, gasp, another Frank photo. This one is all about the guitar though baby. I loved this doubleneck. I personally don't have long enough arms or fingers to play it but I loved it.

I already plan on going to next year's ABATE concert as long as the bands are someone I know a little. It was a good time for a great cause.