Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thought I should say something after so much time

It always shocks me how long I can go without posting anything on here and then at other times in my life, I will post several entries every day. My husband and I are in marriage counseling now. The first session wasn't too bad but she's warned us that it will be much harder at the next one. I am not a "feelings" person so sharing them takes a lot out of me. The last one was easy and I came out feeling like I needed air in a big way. I can only imagine how I will feel after some of the next ones. We have two before Christmas and then one after before we get a little over a week break. I think I will dread every single one of them. As I said, I'm not a feelings person. I don't like to talk about them and I don't want to know about them. Many say I sound like a guy but it's just how I am. I'm at a point in my life where I've come to realize that thus far, I've been living my life for other people. That would be ok for me to accept if it was for my children but it's for every single person in my life. I do what makes them happiest, say what makes them happiest and put my own needs aside. Unfortunately, now that I've started to do, say and act in a way that might make me happy, it's having a negative effect on all those relationships. To them, I'm a different person and changed overnight. In reality, this is who I've always been but I chose to keep it inside. That doesn't mean I don't still want to make those people in my life happy and for them to have happiness but I feel like I deserve some of that as well and I don't think anyone gains anything over time if one is constantly making sacrifices for someone else. Eventually, everyone pays for it.

On happier notes, Evan is very close to walking unassisted, can clap quite well and says Uh-Oh. We never say uh-oh in my house. It's just not something we say. I'd have been less surprised to hear oh shit, than uh-oh out of his mouth. Turns out, one of my daughter's toys says uh-oh when you press the wrong button. He loves this toy and plays with it often. At least now I know where he picked up uh-oh at. Jasmine flipped off one of my friends today when he pissed her off... twice. I'm not sure if she meant to use her index finger as a 'Hold on now mister' (she was using it and her thumb to hold a sucker) or if she had actually seen one of us use that form of sign language at some point. She was told not to use that finger anymore.... through gasps as we were laughing so hard. ;)


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hope you deal with the counseling OK. Stick to your guns, I know from experience that you cannot make others happy if you are not happy yourself.

Lisa said...

ROFLMAO at Jasmine...that is so funny!!! She knew what she was doing, she was just trying to make you believe she didn't. ;)

Yeah, I really can't picture your household as an uh-oh kind of place (like mine IS...right?)- who does say that anymore??? How cute that HE is though.

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