Saturday, September 19, 2009

I know, I'm rambling

I don't know exactly what is going on with me lately. I'm exhausted, depressed, angry... just about every not good emotion you could want to have. I'm not sure if I've been taking my anti-depressants regularly. It's not unusual for me to miss one or two a week as kind of a way to make them last longer. Missing two in a week wouldn't cause me any problems but more than that might. In all honesty, it's probably been coming all along and I've just been in denial about it somewhat. I figured I could handle all the stress and weather the storm a little better than I would've in the past. And I suppose I am, better than back then. I just thought I could avoid this feeling all together. I need to de-stress and I don't know how. Really, I don't know what helps me feel less stressed out. When I lived at my mom's, I would sit outside for a while and just listen to the birds. Can't do that now because one kid will want me or my husband will have had enough of the screamer. I think a great deal of my headaches the last two months have been due to stress. You can only blame your sinuses for so long before you have to realize it's something else. Some days the kids seem to make everything a thousand times worse, other days, they're the only thing that keeps me from banging my head into a wall repeatedly. Jasmine knows just the right things to say some days and Evan knows just when to smile out of no where. And I know a part of it is the time of year. A very big part of it this year more than the others for some reason. We tried leaving the kids with my mom for a few hours, thinking it would help me. But it really didn't. I felt the same way with them here as I did without them here. Although, at times, it's nice to only have one of them with me at a time. Like today. I just took Jazz and we went shopping with my mom. Yes, the same woman who sliced up her tendon with a nail is now out shopping. Granted, there was a lot of limping involved but she was out. Now come to think of it, I felt pretty decent most of today till I had to come back home. It's not home that is a problem, it's reality, I think. When I'm here, reality is right. in. my. face. When I'm out, my mind can wander to cute clothes or sweet animals. Hopefully, once we're past this weekend, things will start to feel better. The sooner it's over with, the sooner I can dread it for next year. But at least for this year, it will be over. And then again, maybe I'll take up a Xanax habit. That's a joke by the way. No interventions necessary. I promise, less whining in the future but this weekend there are special circumstances.


Beth said...

Is it what you wrote to me a while back, Jamie? Keep hangin' in there, hon, and find your strength. I know you have plenty. {{hugs}} Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Reality Bites at times, but you will get past this. Let us know if another night out would help. Hugs to you :o)