Last Call.

This will be my last post on this particular blog.  It's not been a "safe" place for me for years.  Too many people read it that would like to hurt me.  The new blog that I will be starting will be by invite only.  It will not be open to the public.  You can request that I add you but if you have any association with my father or my ex-husband, you will be denied.  I will not have a sarcastic comment or joke that I make being used against me later.  This has truly been one of the hardest years of my life and I just don't want to give anyone, any reason to make it any harder.

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Work place hell

I hate my job. I wake up every day wishing I could just quit or that they would find some reason to fire me. I'm wondering if there's a way for me to quite my job and go back to school and get my BA in veterinary medicine without starving to death. If I didn't have kids, I'd have already done it. I have to find some way out of what has become my every day hell. I tried to get up with a positive attitude and find something that was good about my job but when every word you type makes you want to drive off a cliff, it's kind of hard to look at the positive.

Icky Kitty

If you are easily (or hell, even not so easily) grossed out... you may want to turn your back on this entry. I will get back to the 30 days meme. I had pneumonia and pleurisy for two weeks so my life was quite literally put on hold.

At some point while I was sick, Jake, aka cat from hell, aka fire kitty, had gotten out of my bedroom and lost the usual fight with my mom's kitty. A week or so later, I noticed he looked a little funny. The right side of his head was swollen and tender. Not the first time he's gotten an abscess from a cat fight. Eventually they get big enough that they pop open on their own and then are easily drained over the course of several days. I don't recommend this if you've never had to deal with a cat abscess before. I was concerned that it wouldn't open before this weekend (when I don't have the kids, I stay the weekend at my boyfriend's house, coming home briefly to feed the animals) so I used a syringe to make a small hole, however I wasn't able to get much drainage from it. A few days later, it popped on it's own. No animal enjoys having a pus filled wound squeezed and pinched to try to remove all the infection and then having a syringe full of water put in that same wound. I opened the wound daily and drained it repeatedly. Saturday, I left it alone as Jake was getting rather volatile. I knew I'd be home Sunday and could re-open it then if needed. I waited till the kids were asleep to take Jake in the bathroom and begin the process. He had a scab on his head where the first abscess had popped but I thought it was just from scratching. While I was using a warm cloth to soften the scabs so they would be easier to remove, the scab on his head came off. You know it's bad when I have to pause and turn my head for a moment. Holy cow that was a big wound. I moved on to where the infection remained. The scabs came off rather easily but nothing was coming out. I could feel that there was still infection on the side of his head. I figured the wound had healed too much and nothing could pass through. I massaged the area for a minute and when I was getting ready to try a different method, it happened. *shudder* A steady stream of pus and blood shot out of his neck. I had to stop and hold pressure to his neck before I could continue. I hope like hell tomorrow is less explosive than today. I don't know how much of that my stomach can handle on a regular basis.

I no longer wonder how I fell out of love with you but how I ever fell in love with you in the first place.

Something you love about yourself

I love that I'm one of the weirdest people I know. I love every quirk I have. The fact that I can open doors using only my feet, that I clap three times before I sneeze or that I eat the corners off of most hot foods that are square/rectangle before eating any other part. I love that I'm willing to give just about anyone a second chance, no matter how they've wronged me in the past. That I always have a shoulder to lean on, no matter what I'm dealing with in my own life. I love that I laugh from the depths of my soul, that I throw my head back and let as much noise out as possible. And that when I sing a song, really sing it, that I cry. I love that I will dance in the middle of a bar that has no dance floor and not feel the least bit self conscious. I love that after everything, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and have managed to keep my walls to minimum. I love the things that make me, me.

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

I hate that I put every single thing I do off till the last minute. I hate my selfishness. The fact that I can't take criticism without feeling insulted and hurt. I hate my inability to have patience, that I'm always on edge. I hate that I let you use me. And while you do, I say it's ok, no big deal, don't worry about it, let me know if you need anything else, call me. I hate that I need constant praise in one form or another in order to have a good day. I hate that the people I crave that from the most, never give it freely. I hate my inability to trust anything at face value and my suspicion of everyone's motives. I hate that you made me that way. I hate that my heart can feel broken with just a casual phrase. I hate that I don't stand up for myself to you or you. That I'd rather deal with the hurts than fight for myself. I hate that I never truly let anyone in aside from Abby. That I don't trust anyone to love me, for me. That I'd rather sugar coat who I am in hopes that, that will be enough to see past the ugly pieces of who I am. I hate that I have to feel broken in order to eventually feel whole again.